HNN Camp Reports

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HNN (that's Hoop News Network), your leader in days old, sounds like it could be true NFL news, is pleased to bring you our brand new, but somehow already improved, live up to the day or two NFL training camp reports!

 

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Anonymous sources around the league tell me:

-Broncos camp was interrupted yesterday for the filming of three new endorsement deals recently signed by Peyton Manning. Manning told Denver beat writers that he didn't feel like he pitched enough shitty products last year and really wasn't living up to his full financial potential. His new deals are with Depends adult undergarments, Propecia, and KIA Motors. The same script encompasses each commercial: "When I have a 4 hour erection and shit my pants I like to ride to the hospital in style." Manning said that this new cross-platform marketing is the spread offense of the advertising industry. "These guys all pitched their deals to me separately, and I sort of called an audible at the line and said 'Listen guys, I don't have time to do all three commercials, so how about we do this...?'"


- Jacksonville Jaguars camp featured the annual full-contact scrimmage with local Alvin Einstien Middle School where they were once again brutally dominated. Facing a smothering pass rush from 6'0" tall eight grader Rocco "He's got a mustache already" White, Jags QB Blaine Gabbert resorted to either taking a knee or throwing the ball out of bounds on 9 straight plays before getting replaced by his back-up, who is believed to be Chd Henne, but the Jaguars are only kind of an NFL team so nobody really cares enough to confirm the rumor that Henne had signed with Jacksonville.


- Ben Roethlesberger continues to impress thus far through camp. To source knowledge he's only had one motorcycle accident and been accused of three rapes, both career bests through week one of training camp. Watch out AFC North!



-49ers training camp facilities continue to be plagued by destructive vandalism. Small holes at waste level keep popping up in walls all over the buildings, particularly in walls around the restrooms and sleeping quarters. Local expert Banned Poster explained to the team's beat writers that the holes are what's known as a "glory hole" (NSFW).



-Local reports are that former Lion Jahvid Best suffered another concussion over the weekend when he shut his car door too hard. Martin Mayhew offered up that he'd be shocked if Best wasn't back behind the wheel by week one of the season.