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My roommate consistently uses 2 packets of icing for 1 Toaster Strudel & I might decapitate his dick

Omar 382

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I mean, what kind of fucking asshole has the balls to pull this shit? What do you think happens when you use 2 packets of icing for 1 Toaster Strudel? Who is going to have to eat a Danish Style Cream Cheese Toaster Strudel (that HE fucking bought with his own goddamn money!) with no icing?!?!

I'll give you a hint- it's the same guy that tonight is going to cut the head of your dick off and wear it on a chain around his neck as a constant reminder that your penis is all kinds of fucked up because of your insatiable gluttony....

(ME)

Also, I know that this board is intended for discussions about the Phillies, and one might even say that bitching about Toaster Strudels shouldn't happen, especially when other topics such as a new manager and one of our best pitchers in franchise history dying have not been discussed. Fair enough, but this Padres board, by definition, is unconventional. We will get around to that other stuff soon, but this is a pressing matter.
 

Cedrique

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I mean, what kind of fucking asshole has the balls to pull this shit? What do you think happens when you use 2 packets of icing for 1 Toaster Strudel? Who is going to have to eat a Danish Style Cream Cheese Toaster Strudel (that HE fucking bought with his own goddamn money!) with no icing?!?!

I'll give you a hint- it's the same guy that tonight is going to cut the head of your dick off and wear it on a chain around his neck as a constant reminder that your penis is all kinds of fucked up because of your insatiable gluttony....

(ME)

Also, I know that this board is intended for discussions about the Phillies, and one might even say that bitching about Toaster Strudels shouldn't happen, especially when other topics such as a new manager and one of our best pitchers in franchise history dying have not been discussed. Fair enough, but this Padres board, by definition, is unconventional. We will get around to that other stuff soon, but this is a pressing matter.
I actually don't use all of the icing so at the end I have an extra pack or two. But I would never want to be stuck making that last strudel with no icing. Total dick move by your roommate.

Also, Gene Richards hall of fame! Go Padres!
 

Omar 382

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I actually don't use all of the icing so at the end I have an extra pack or two. But I would never want to be stuck making that last strudel with no icing. Total dick move by your roommate.

Also, Gene Richards hall of fame! Go Padres!
Oh shit, I completely forgot all about this. It actually solved itself rather easily. He was smoking weed all day last Saturday, and I told him that we needed to talk. He dismissed me, saying he was going out somewhere. I then shouted this pre-memorized monologue all without taking a breath:

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and they're triangulating your location right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

He has since moved back home (and I think his parents said that he's showing signs of paranoia and psychosis:violin:)

Anyway, with him out of the picture, I've been eating all of my own toaster strudels with the correctly applied 1:1 ratio of icing to strudel. I've also been widdling away at the half ounce he left behind. I was high earlier today, and I read some crazy shit about the creation of this "Blizzard Beach" amusement ride at Disney World. They were saying that a freak snowstorm in the area led to the development of Florida's first ski resort. Naturally, the snow did not last long. This left behind a collection of waterlogged but snow-less ski jumps and chair lifts. The operators were preparing to cut their losses and walk away. However, they were interrupted by an echoing "YAHHOOO!!!" coming from the mountain of melting snow. They looked up to see a blue alligator, wearing a red scarf and gold innertube, careening down the mountain at top speed. Ice Gator, the mascot, then landed in a pool of melted snow at the base of the mountain with a thunderous splash. The ski resort operators suddenly saw the park's potential, and the mountain of snow became Blizzard Beach, "the most slushy, slippery, exhilarating water park anywhere!"

Pretty amazing "feel-good" story:#1:
 

Cedrique

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Wow. I will have to reread this later. I'm sure there are all kinds of hidden references that I am not getting.
 

Omar 382

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Wow. I will have to reread this later. I'm sure there are all kinds of hidden references that I am not getting.
Don't flatter me. It's been becoming increasingly clear to our fans what's happened
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Omar 382

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we have fans?
Wow. It's bad enough to think that you let all your fans down with shoddy writing and cheap prop pieces, but the sobering realization that no one has ever given a shit anyway is a real slap in the face.
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Cedrique

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You have fans. I like to lurk in the background, spending my time trying to get to the bottom of this Roy Moore yearbook thing. I'm obsessed
 
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